I Thought I Had Lost You, Too
by dontfindmeiamgone
Summary: A little bit of fluff centered around the day or so after Eli's death. Gordon/Alyx. Rated M for sexy stuff.  If you find any obnoxious grammatical errors, let me know in a comment.
1. The Evening

Gordon blinked. His vision was foggy, but he could feel that his glasses remained on his face. His head throbbed; he could feel the burn of an open wound above his left ear.

"DAD! No! Dad… please, don't leave me." Alyx was shouting, but her voice sounded miles away.

Gordon could almost see her now; a blurry figure lay below her. Her whole body was shaking. Then the memory flooded back to him. _Eli._ Gordon's chest tightened and the throbbing in his head amplified. He frantically tried to lift his head to look at her; he lifted is arm up in weak protest.

"Oh my god, Dad…"

His vision started to fade. His arm flopped limply to his side.

"No…"

Everything went black.

"Dad…"

Suddenly, he saw light. It was red. It took him a second to release that he was seeing a bright light through his eyelids. Cautiously, he attempted to open them. His eyes stung from the sudden shock and he threw his arm over his face. His glasses were gone.

'_I must be in the infirmary…'_ he thought. But the room was completely silent.

Shyly, he opened his eyes again and tried to look around. He was in a small, sparsely furnished room, and a beam of light was pouring in from what must have been a small window. He looked next to the bed and could see the faint outline of his black rimmed frames on a small bedside table. He grabbed them and quickly put them on, the room suddenly became clear. He quickly sat up on the small bed. A pulse of pain rushed to his left temple and he immediately fell back down with a groan. Then he heard footsteps softly coming down the hallway. There was a small knock on his door. Without waiting for him to respond his guest entered the room.

"Gordon! You're awake!" Dr. Kleiner exclaimed.

Gordon mumbled in recognition.

"Well thank god you're alright, we thought that head injury you got there could have had you knocked out for much longer than just 24 hours. Alyx will be so grateful that you're alright."

The memory came back to him again.

"Oh god…" he whispered, slowly coming up to rest on one of his elbows.

"Yes, indeed. You are very lucky to be alive. I wish I could say the same for poor Eli... My dear friend…" he sighed, "Well, Gordon, how are you feeling? The medics have been checking up on you every once in a while. But they have so many people bleeding out in the infirmary from yesterday's battle with the strider's that they had no choice but to move you here. They thought the best they could do was to wait and see how you were doing when you woke up. And luckily, you seem to be doing quite well! I'll let you be now, though, I'm sure you will want to rest for a bit longer. And I should really go tell Alyx you're alright. She's sleeping now. She had been sitting in here with you for hours. You're the only person she wanted to be with after what happened to poor Eli, conscious or not. Well, Gordon, I am pleased to see that you're alright." Dr. Kleiner nodded and him and then left the room.

As Kleiner left the room, Gordon sat up so he could take a better look at himself. He was wearing fresh clothes, a white shirt and some soft blue pants that looked like they could have been medical scrubs. His HEV suit was nowhere in sight. He slowly lifted his hand to his head. There was a large swatch of gauze across his forehead. He lightly felt over the spot where his head had made contact with the concrete the day before. The area seemed tender, but alright. He poked at the bandage, it was slightly damp. He looked at the blood on his fingers and rubbed it away with his thumb. Idly, he thought of how much blood he had lost. He imagined it must be a significant amount, but he didn't feel too light headed. His head hurt, but he only felt weak from sleep not from the loss of blood. He smiled to himself sheepishly; he had gotten a lot tougher since that first day he stepped off the train in City 17…

As he thought to himself, he heard an explosive pounding of feet running down the hallway. In only a few seconds the door flew open and Alyx was staring down at him.

"Gordon!" she exclaimed. She was still wearing the same clothes from the day before and there was some red residue on her sleeve. Gordon recognized that it much have been some of Eli's blood. He tried not to look at it as she walked into the room.

"Oh Gordon, your bandage needs to be changed." She hurried over to the bedside table and began looking for more gauze in its drawer. Gordon sat up and planted his feet on the ground as Alyx gingerly began to unwrap his head. Gordon looked up at her intently as she worked, but she silently refused to look at him.

"Well, It could be worse… let me just fix you up.", she spoke in a way that sounded like she was talking to herself out loud.

She continued to avoid his gaze as she carefully padded the wound and then securely wrapped a thin strip of gauze around his head. When she was done, she absentmindedly fluffed the hair poking out at strange angles near the wrapped gauze. She continued to avoid his eyes.

"There you are." Alyx whispered and she turned and tossed the old bandage into a trashcan near the door. She paused, her back was too him. She sighed.

"Gordon… I thought I had lost you, too." She cooed as she turned around and came to sit down next to him on the edge of the bed.

She smiled at him, but her eyes seemed to be somewhere else. She looked at the floor. Gordon reached out an arm, slowly, cautiously edging its way towards her sunken shoulders.

He had never been very good at comforting people. Usually he sort of faded away into the background whenever somebody became emotional. That's probably one of the reasons he had such a reputation of being stoic to the point of almost being cold. He was not free of empathy, but he had never had such a strong urge to reach out to another person as he did with Alyx. He longed to help her.

After what seemed to him like centuries, his hand finally rested lightly on her shoulder. Her breath choked up in her throat but he could see that she was trying to keep her composure. Unsure what to do next, he slowly brought his hand down from her shoulder to her mid back and then awkwardly brought it back up again. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply; he could see the area around her eyes was wet. She sighed and her eyes remained closed. His heart ached as he looked at her.

He ran his hand uneasily down her entire back this time and then back up again. She remained still. As he gained confidence in touching her, although it was not the first time it seemed that way to him, he obtained some sort of rhythm and began to stroke her back smoothly. After a minute or two, he could see her begin to loosen up a little. She became less stiff and let her head hang down weakly. She remained silent as Gordon watched the tears begin to fall down from her face and onto her jeans.

Gordon looked at the floor, his head was hurting again and his chest felt tight. Alyx was not the only one deeply affected by the loss of Eli. As he became lost in thought, he absentmindedly rested his hand on her waist.

"Gordon." She whispered.

He blinked, suddenly shaken out of his thoughts. He looked at her.

She was staring at him with red, puffy eyes. Her face was wet from her tears and her mouth was open as she let out a few small, ragged breaths.

Gordon brought a shaky hand up to her face and wiped some of the wetness away with his thumb. Alyx let out a strange noise, half laughter and half sob as she blinked back more tears. Gordon smiled at her timidly. In an instant, she toppled over on top of him. Gordon's eyes flew wide open as the tear soaked and salty mouth of Alyx Vance met his.

The shock wore off after only a few seconds as Alyx fiercely kissed him. Her kisses were hard against his lips and he could feel the hairs of his goatee scratching against her skin. Gordon could sense the desperation in her and tried to catch up, but his head was swimming. Alyx was kissing him. _Alyx._

They had been companions for some time now, and everyone had assumed that they were together, but Gordon was always a little skeptical. Sure, everyone thought of him as a hero, _The One Free Man_. But he didn't feel that way. From his point of view he was just a man who had been extremely lucky and happened to be in the right place at the right time. Underneath his HEV suit, he was just a nerdy physicist. Surely, Alyx deserved a real hero, a real fighter for the resistance… Not him… Alyx was so fearless and determined…

'_and pretty… sooo pretty…' _he thought.

Gordon leaned back carefully, pulling Alyx towards him. She dug her fingers into his hair and pulled at it roughly while Gordon's hands fumbled clumsily around her waist. He slid his hands under her clothes and rubbed the skin on her back as she slipped her tongue inside his mouth. He could feel the slight indentations in her back from where she had been stabbed by the hunter as he moved his hands up to rest on her sides. She pulled back from him and tore off her jacket. Then she immediately grabbed his shirt and began trying to pull it off of him. Baffled by the speed at which this encounter was progressing, Gordon let her do it. Then she quickly unzipped her sweatshirt revealing just her bra underneath. Without so much as a pause or a word her mouth was on his again.

Gordon was reeling. All the bashful feelings that he had about himself and feeling like he did not deserve his hero status or the beautiful woman straddling his lap were slowly fading away. A fire was lit in him. He pushed her away from him just long enough to take his glasses off and then he leaned deeply into her.

Gordon brought his hands up to Alyx's face. He could feel the excitement building in his chest as he heard her breath become faster and blend with his own. He ran his fingers in her hair with one hand while the other moved downwards and began pulling the sleeve of her sweatshirt down. She slowed the movements of her mouth to match his and grinded up against his chest as he pulled the sweatshirt off her. She ran her hands over his shoulders and chest as he slowly moved his hands down to her hips. She moved her mouth to his neck. Gordon let out a small groan and squeezed her thighs.

He began to move his hands to work at the clasp of her jeans. When she felt his hand graze her stomach her hand flew like lightning to stop him. She pulled back and looked at him. Gordon looked back, confused at the sudden change in the mood, especially because Alyx had initiated the encounter.

"Ah…" she moaned in exasperation, "I can't do this!"

Gordon grabbed his glasses off the table and returned them to his face.

"Gordon! I-I can't. I don't know what to do," her voice cracked, "My father…".

Her face scrunched up into a painful grimace and she dropped herself down onto Gordon's chest. Gordon wrapped his arms around her instinctively and held her. He looked around the room. It must have been late afternoon when he woke up, perfect timing for the late day sun to shine through the narrow rectangular window. It had gotten darker now; the blinding light that he had woken up to had faded away. He rested his chin on the top of her head and closed his eyes, only hearing the staccato of Alyx's sobbing on chest as the room faded to blue.


	2. The Night

Gordon opened his eyes.

The room was completely dark. He wasn't sure how long he had been asleep. Alyx was quiet now, but she was slowly shuffling herself off of his chest. He touched her back in the dark.

"Gordon," she slurred his name, too loudly, "mmmmm , meh, move overrr."

Gordon smiled and scooted to very edge of the tiny bed, and Alyx filled in the space between him and the wall. She stretched out, pushing into him. He rolled on his side to accommodate her. She went silent, facing the wall. Tucking his hand under his cheek, he closed his eyes and began to drift back to sleep.

Suddenly, a heavy thump on his side startled him awake.

"Eh. Come… Gordonn, c'mere." Alyx mumbled, she had thrown a limp arm back at him.

He laid still for a minute. Her arm came down harder this time.

"Gorrrdonnnn…!" she whined, grinding her backside into his hips.

He scooted towards her. She grabbed his arm and forcibly draped it over herself, pulling the rest of him closer to her in the same motion. She took his hand in hers and held it under her cheek. Gordon's face was suddenly buried in her hair.

"mmmm…" she exhaled.

Gordon breathed in slowly, smelling her hair. He nudged his face into the back of her neck, and scooted his legs up to hers. With a smile slowly fading from his face, he fell into a deep sleep.


	3. The Dawn

"Uh… Gordon?"

Gordon poked open an eye, only registering the fact that it was light out before promptly closing it and rolling his face into the darkness of the pillow.

"Mmphff" he mumbled.

"You are sort of squishing me a little…"

He popped his head up, squinting. He turned to look at the source of the noise. As he turned he nearly bumped heads with Alyx, her was face only millimeters away from his. She was also all but underneath him… Alyx was now laying flat on her back, looking moderately uncomfortable, with Gordon latched onto her. One arm and one leg were draped over her stiffly positioned body and there was a moist area on the pillowcase above her shoulder. Gordon realized in a sudden rush of shame that the damp area must have been his sloppy, sleep-induced drool.

Still partially asleep, he wondered how he hadn't fallen off the small bed in the middle of the night, considering the fact that they were two full grown adults sharing a twin mattress. Then, with a second wave of embarrassment, he noticed that there were about 6 inches of free space behind him while Alyx's shoulder was pressed up against the wall. She smiled weakly and made a quick awkward motion with her arm that could have looked like a shrug if she wasn't in a full Dr. Gordon Freeman body lock. Now completely awake, Gordon leapt back from her and turned around to grab his glasses off the table. He looked back at her, his face feeling hot. As he turned to look at her he realized she was still partially disrobed from the night before. She was stretching out from the awkward position and rearranging herself all while only wearing a bra and her jeans.

'_Bleaghh I'm so stupid!'_ he thought to himself, flustered.

Not knowing what else to do he sat up in the bed and took off his glasses so he could clean the lenses his shirt. Then he realized he still wasn't wearing a shirt either.

"Uhh…" he said awkwardly holding his glasses and looking at her blindly.

She rolled over to face him. He quickly put his glasses back on and tried to regain his composure as he looked down at her.

"Thank you for… for _this_." She said quietly, making a gesture with her hand.

Gordon noticed the puffiness around her eyes still remained from the night before. He leaned off his elbow and slowly brought himself to lie down again, turning himself to look at her. He reached out a cautious arm and placed it on her waist, feeling the smoothness of her skin. A faint smile came to her face. She scooted closer to him. She reached out a finger and ran it down the middle of his bare chest.

"Look at you." Alyx smiled weakly.

Gordon's stomach fluttered; he tried to ignore it.

"Hmmmmmm?" he hummed at her while taking a comical glance down at her exposed bra, his eye brows raised up to ceiling.

She looked down at herself.

"Ah! Hehe, I forgot." she said with a laugh.

Gordon chuckled softly. Alyx moved in closer and put her arm over him. They looked at each other, now face to face. Gordon tilted his head up and kissed her forehead. He held his lips to her skin for a moment and then brought his gaze back to her face. She was smirking at him a little, but Gordon could see a small tint of blush on her cheeks.

Unbeknownst to her, Gordon's heart was pounding out of his chest. It was like everything that happened the day before was a dream. He hadn't kissed her already; this was brand new. What was happening now was not a grief-induced coping mechanism… this felt a thousand times more real.

His mind was racing. Slowly he began to bring his face closer to hers. She smiled nervously. With a smirk on his lips, he kissed her lightly on the mouth.

After only a second he pulled away. He grinned and adjusted his glasses. Alyx's expression was sly. She gripped his arm gently. He moved his hand to her hip and squeezed lightly as he leaned in and kissed her again. This time his mouth lingered and slowly opened into hers.

This time he didn't taste tears on her lips. He breathed in deeply through his nose as he crushed himself into her, lifting himself over her and turning her on her back in one motion. One leg came to rest between hers as he leaned himself down onto her, his body pushing down on her hips as they kissed.


	4. Day One

"Alyx!" Dr. Kleiner called.

"Yeah?"

"I need you to help me with something. Barney just called and said that Dr. Gordon Freeman just arrived."

"Arrived from where?"

"Well… We aren't exactly sure. But he is unarmed and heading for our lab. Can you go and see if you can find him?"

"What's he look like?"

"Well, I'm not sure it'll be too hard for you to find him… He's got Civil Protection right on his tail."

"Right. Sure, Dr. Kleiner."

Alyx jogged out of the lab and headed into the apartment complex. She could hear radio chatter as soon as she went through the door. The sounds of a gunship could be heard from outside.

'_All this commotion for one guy?'_ she thought, _'He must be as important as they say he is…'_

Alyx heard a loud bang. She ran towards the noise. She turned a corner and saw two CP officers bash through a door. A skinny looking man stood in the hallway. Another group of officers had their clubs raised in front of him. He turned around and looked toward her. He had glasses. With panic in his eyes he pushed desperately at the closest officer before being knocked to the ground. The officers surrounded him.

With the officers now distracted with their "catch", Alyx pounced. In only a minute or two she had knocked all of them out cold. She hurried to the man lying unconscious on the floor in the middle of the hallway. She leaned down and gave him a gentle shake.

He slowly opened his eyes.

"Dr. Freeman, I presume." She said, smiling at him.

The man nodded and adjusted his glasses. He had the greenest eyes she had ever seen. He smiled weakly, looking almost embarrassed. Alyx turned as she heard a noise in the distance.

"We better hurry. The Combine can be slow to wake but once they're up, we don't want to get in their way. Dr. Kleiner said you'd be coming this way, I don't think it occurred to him that you might not have a map." Alyx said as she walked into the elevator.

Dr. Freeman followed her. She pressed the button and turned to look at him. He was staring wide-eyed at the floor and scratching the back of his neck. He looked like he didn't know what to do with himself. Alyx smiled.

"I'm Alyx Vance, my father worked with you back at Black Mesa. I'm sure you don't remember me…"

He looked up at her, a look of slight confusion on his face.

"A man of few words, aren't you?" she smiled at him.

He made a small huffing noise, shrugged and looked at the floor. Alyx turned and walked out of the elevator.

'_This is the man everybody's after? What a nerd!'_ She thought.

She heard his shuffling footsteps follow her down the hallway. She smiled.

'…_A cute nerd.' _


	5. Morning

Alyx wiped the spit off of her mouth as Gordon leaned back from her and began unbuttoning her jeans. Once they were undone, she grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him back into her kiss. She reached down and grabbed him by the hips, tucking her fingers into the waistband of his pants.

Gordon had never felt like this before. Sure, he had his share of romance before the entire world collapsed, but it was nothing compared to this. He never really forgot where he was, or who he was, during those previous trysts. No trace of the Combine, headcrabs, zombies, his horrible "employer" or anything else was left in his mind. There was nothing. Except Alyx. Alyx was everything. Gordon's world became her as he collapsed down into her arms. He was luxuriating in the taste of her mouth. His breath was heavy and warm as it intermingled with hers. His glasses were askew and pushing awkwardly into the skin of his forehead and he didn't care.

Her fingers twitched at his waist. Slowly one moved to…

"Hhhhhhhhmmmm" Gordon hummed into her mouth as she groped him through the fabric of his pants.

He leaned into her touch; already hard. With one hand, he clumsily tried to tug down her jeans. She moved his arm and wriggled them down off her own hips. He froze at her movement. Then, suddenly, he jumped up and pulled the pants off of her, his movements frantic and desperate. His eyes darted over her body. He wanted her so bad; each movement she made seemed to be in slow motion. She kicked the pants off her ankles and finally pulled his face back down to hers. He grasped her shoulders as she pulled the drawstring of his pants.

Slowly, Alyx nudged his pants down on his hips. She opened her eyes just enough to watch him as she reached in and touched his bare skin. Gordon exhaled forcefully and swiped into her mouth with his tongue. Alyx watched his eyebrows raise and crease in the middle as she slowly moved her hand over him. He made a small noise and broke away from the kiss, sinking his face into spot where her neck met her shoulder. His breath was hot on her skin and his facial hair tickled her neck as she grasped him in her hand. She listened as the rhythm of his breath became more erratic and she began to move her hand faster. His grip on her shoulders tightened as his tongue grazed her neck; she hissed out an excited laugh. She moved her other hand downwards and grabbed his hip, digging her nails into the hot skin. Slowly and deliberately, she let it wander down to meet and work together with her other hand.

"aah…" Gordon breathed into her ear, one of his hands sliding down from her shoulder to her chest.

He slipped his hand under her bra and squeezed lightly, his mouth moving downwards to lick her collarbone. Alyx inhaled and leaned her body up into his touch. Gordon took advantage of the space between Alyx and the bed and quickly moved his hand behind her. With a snap-like motion of his hand he unhooked her bra. Gordon brought his face back up to hers and kissed her as she sat up slightly and wriggled the bra off herself. His glasses bumped her face and she giggled and pulled away.

"Gordon," she whispered smiling, "let me get these."

Alyx reached out to pull his glasses off his forehead. She paused to carefully untangle a hair that was stuck in one of the hinges. He followed the movement of her fingers with his eyes. She leaned over and placed the glasses on the table with one arm shyly thrown over her chest as Gordon silently bowed over her. She looked back at him with a smirk.

Gordon did not give her a chance to blink before he franticly began kissing her again. His hands grasped her ribcage and sneaked over her chest as he nudged his exposed partinto the fabric of her underwear. She reached down to pull them off when she felt his hand stop her. She opened her eyes. Gordon pulled away and gave her a small peck on the mouth before bringing his face down to her chest.

His facial hair scratched her slightly as he kissed a line from her neck down between her breasts. Gordon stopped and held his lips down on each of the two stab-wound scars in the middle of her abdomen. Then he slowly tracing his tongue up again. Alyx shivered.

While his hands rubbed her sides, he nuzzled his face in her bosom for a moment. He lifted his head and took one of them in his mouth, his tongue flicking around in a circular motion. Alyx sucked her breath in with a hiss as her fingernails left indentations in his shoulder blades. He looked up. She exhaled audibly.

She looked at him with hazy eyes and watched as he rolled over beside her and then quickly pulled his feet out of his pants and threw them on the ground. She lifted her hips up slightly as he discarded her underwear. She rolled onto her side and melted into him and pulling his closer and closer, her mouth hot on his. Gordon streaked a hand over her hips as he leaned himself towards her and poked himself into the soft flesh of her thigh. Her hand flew down to grab him and she stroked him as she slowly rolled over onto her back. He braced himself over her as she maneuvered her legs around his waist.

His eyebrows crinkled up and his mouth parted as he entered her. Alyx gasped and turned her head to the side as Gordon began to set the rhythm. Gordon closed his eyes and listened to each small noise Alyx made with every thrust. He ducked his head down towards her. She looked at him and put one of her hands on his neck, feeling the sweat that had already begun to collect there. He kissed her messily for a moment before collapsing onto his elbows and nuzzling into her neck. His nose brushed her skin in time with his movement as he breathed quickly and pressed his weight down on her. Her fingernails scratched at his hips as she breathed into his ear.

As the rhythm began to intensify, Gordon trailed his mouth over her neck and clumsily kissed and breathed into her cheek, her eyes were closed and her breathe was almost in time with his. He kissed her on the mouth as her breath suddenly became more frantic and rushed. A small sound hitched up in her throat with each trust. Gordon kept with the rhythm as each movement began to make her squirm. He could feel it building inside him and felt his heart beat faster and faster as her hands scratched and pulled at the hair on the back of his head. He lifted his face away from her as he breathed out; each tiny movement causing her legs to twitch and her grip on him to tighten. He sighed as she suddenly paused. Her eyes opened quickly and stared into him for one silent achingly long second before she threw her head to the side and breathed out a ragged groan. Her body suddenly shook upwards and he moaned her nameinto her ear, their movement rolling like waves against each other.

Slowly her hands moved down to his hips and they rode out the final movements together. Gordon collapsed down onto her, his face pressed into the pillow, his fingers softly winding into her hair. She stroked his back a few times before nudging him on the shoulder. He slowly pulled himself out of her and then rolled onto his side to look at her. Alyx reached down to pull a discarded blanket over the two of them. Gordon nuzzled onto her shoulder, one of his arms pulling her close. He smiled. She turned her head too look at him, and their noses touched. Alyx laughed and Gordon joined her with a few quiet chuckles. Then she sighed and rolled over, her back facing him. He pulled her in close and buried his face in her hair as they both rested in silence for a few minutes. Gordon started to drift back into a lazy morning sleep when suddenly…

"The-" her voice sounded out of place in the silence of the room, "The Borealis."

Gordon could hear the touch of sadness in her voice.

"Shhhh…" he cooed, just a whisper "Later."

She began to pull away in protest.

"Alyx… shhh"

"But Gordon, we could be wasting time…"

"I love you" He breathed into her ear.

She paused for a moment.

"I love you, Gordon. But-"

"Shhh…" he whispered as he nuzzled into her neck, and tangled his legs around hers, "shhh…"

Alyx looked at the light coming in from the window which left a huge yellow streak upon the wall. It was still early in the morning. A small part of her screamed in protest as she closed her eyes and leaned into Gordon's embrace. Maybe it _could _wait. Just for a little while…


End file.
